As many of you know, I recently entered a PhD program at Saybrook University in San Francisco, CA. I am currently working on a research project about the synchrony between mother and child (not yet age specific). I welcome stories about experiences both positive and negative about how mother and child overlap both emotionally, temperamentally, psychically, and behaviorally. In order to stimulate your interest and share what I know so far, a few of the reasons I landed in this research are below:

• Thirteen years ago I learned about a study where a single cell was retrieved from a woman’s body. The woman traveled 2,000 miles from the lab where the cell was kept. When the cell was exposed to loud noises the woman show involuntary startle response. When the cell was deprived of nutrients the woman, although nourished, felt unexplainably hungry. When the cell was exposed to excess heat, the woman sweated. If anyone knows the details of this study, please send me what you know.

• When I co-sleep with my daughters, we sometimes have the same dreams.

• When either of my daughters is extremely sad or robustly happy, I feel tingles of similar emotions.

• Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist, describes synchronicity as meaningful coincidence that manifests knowledge connected to archetypal processes in the collective unconscious. I wonder how this exists with m other and child – a definite archetypal relationship.

• I once read about mothers in a third world country who never used diapers because they “knew” when their child needed to defecate or urinate and they took them outside or to the appropriate spot to allow for natural relief.

• More on this next month! Please share all thoughts and ideas…

Q: My old best friends are ignoring me.  I want to be friends again but it is hard.  I only have 7 girls in my grade.
Help!

A; It sounds like you might have had a break from these friends either because of a summer break or a natural drifting since you call them your “old best friends.” It is important to remember that people change over summers and when apart for periods of time. Most people get insecure when something new happens like a new school year or a person returns from being away. Rather than approaching the group as a cluster, think about each person as an individual. Consider what you have in common with each of the girls. If you focus on what you share with each of these girls and gently approach them with talk, invitations, or memories about these personal insights, they are likely to become interested in you again. Be careful not to hang onto the group though. Be an individual yourself. Don’t be afraid to hang out alone, with the boys or kids in other classes or grades too. If you seem needy or desperate, it can be a turn-off — not because your authentic feelings are unattractive but because it brings up their own insecurities. Ask you mom or dad to help you brainstorm about who to try to re-make friends with first and about an outing or overnight with something special to show your intentions. Also, teachers can be excellent confidants about friend challenges. They are in the position to assign a project or make a seat change that can be the perfect answer. Above all, speak your truth to the people you trust and be a match for what you want to attract in friends.

Q: Why do kids use drugs?

A: The main reason kids try drugs is curiosity. Our culture has drugs everywhere — in the movies, commercials, newspapers, and even billboards. Many families have at least one member suffering with addiction issues (addiction means that you can’t stop taking a drug that is bad for you.) So how do we know if drugs are good or bad? Your parents might drink wine with dinner and your older sibling or friend might talk about how totally cool it was to party with friends last weekend. So where is the line? Most people use recreational drugs to help them have “more fun” or to escape feeling overwhelmed. The problem is that drugs don’t make things better. Talking to friends and trustworthy adults, getting good sleep and exercise, and keeping your life simple are the best drugs out there!

Dear Buddha Mamas,

I awoke this morning at 5:00 with swirling thoughts of our meeting last night. Below is a recap and some of my thoughts:

• Reflecting on our learning and communication styles as well as that of our children, partners and friends is helpful for having positive communication and for being heard. As part of our check—in we all considered our best times of day to communicate and times we need quiet or low-impact communication. This was all inspired by an article I read in Psychotherapy Networker and the link to it is:
http://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/magazine/currentissue/664-vertically-challenged

• Another question I posed was about each mom’s “mindfulness practice.” People shared that having a consistent practice in family life is daunting! Some do yoga or exercise or vacuum or breathe consciously but all concluded that the idea of a set practice is desirable yet entirely elusive!

• On the mindfulness front, I encourage all of you to let go of the idea that you are not attaining a goal and focus time on breath work. Those of you who do yoga can employ any techniques you have learned in classes to daily life. Consider a breath sequence as you go to sleep or upon waking. Consider a breath sequence as part of your bedtime routine with your kids. Consider breath work “games” like including your kids in timing you for a 2 minute “breathing break” or experiment with 4 count in and out breath, 5 count in and out breath and 6 count in and out breath to see which you and your children like best. Make up breath games and share with us in our next meeting!

• If you are unaccustomed to breath work or feel inhibited, please let me know and I will share some more specific ideas.

• Another “homework” suggestion is to step back a bit from your family, especially in heated moments, and notice the communication style of each member, including yourself. After you have done at least a week of observation, talk about it with your kids. When do you hear best? When do you feel most heard by me? Tell them what you prefer as well…

• Meditation is a time for quiet that is not focused on anything else. Experiment with time for quiet in a variety of settings alone or with your children/family. Some ideas are before a meal, sitting in nature, while lying down for a rest, driving. Even if you only spend 30 seconds or a minute on the effort to be quiet, you are honoring that deep need and you are building your meditation muscle.

• Remember parenting, like meditation and yoga are PRACTICES. If you slip and behave in a way you prefer not to, take some “cleansing” breaths, forgive yourself and begin again. Your children will learn more from this authentic approach than from any other bells and whistles you can dream up!!

• Stay conscious of where you stop and your child begins. This is an important step in the individuation process for both child and parent. It helps children learn to own their behaviors and not to take on other people’s emotions/issues as a coping mechanism the backfires.

• Last but not least, if you are inspired, make up stories about the challenges in your or your child’s lives with imaginary characters whose experiences parallel (but do not directly reflect) your daily lives. Offer different endings to help your children learn that they have control over how they respond (not react) to struggles, friendships, emotions of all kinds. We can work on this more next time we meet.

Please feel free to be in touch with any questions or comments.

All Best,
Carrie

Last week the Buddha Mamas group that I facilitate resumed. This group is an amazing combination of women who are interested in parenting as a practice rather than a chore. Since we hadn’t met for the whole summer, much of the group was spent catching up with the new ages and stages of the mothers’ children and the new, associated challenges. A common theme that I wove throughout the night was that a part of us (parents) is the age of each of our children. It is useful to reflect back on our own lives at the ages/stages our children are currently conquering. Try this:

• From a narrative perspective, tell yourself the story you told yourself about your life when you were that age.

• Now, tell the story again from your adult voice.

• Has the story changed over the years? Do you see similarities or differences to what your child/ren are experiencing?

• It is from this place of awareness that we can choose to repeat the stories of our childhoods with our own children or do something all together different.

It can be useful to share these stories with partners, close friends or support people in your life. Taking time to consciously parent with a clear philosophy or goal in mind can change dynamics in your family and in your life. Take it slowly and enjoy awakening to your story!

I am one and a half weeks into a PhD in Psychology program at Saybrook University. My mind is abuzz with a mixture of new and old thoughts. I feel a deepened affinity with students of all ages. The overwhelm of new information mixed with the desire to “get it” and make sense floods my mind. I am reading recklessly! Saybrook teaches from a humanistic and transpersonal perspective so all that I do is being seen through a fresh lens that puts the potential of human experience at the forefront.

How do you or your child learn? Investigating your learning style and preferences can help alleviate anxiety and streamline your life. If you are a good computer user but not so great with a pen and paper, put as much as you can on the computer. If you are more auditory than verbal, try listening to books and other information you desire on cd or downloaded audio. If you are visual, make diagrams of plans and to do lists so you integrate the information into your mind and body at the same time. If you learn from interacting with others, find someone to share the learning process with you through a group, class, friend or family endeavor.

My PhD is an online and individually mentored program with two 1-week residential conferences per year. I am adjusting to this solo learning but I find myself looking for my peers. Can someone help me with a reference style? Does this look right? I am having to act as my own peer and reflector which seems contradictory in a humanistically oriented program! But onwards into the 21st century where we need to work, learn, manage households and carry on with family life all at once!

Let me know what you think about your own learning style and if focusing on yours (and maybe your child’s) helps smooth out some of life’s challenges.

Old Thought: Fear means I’m in danger and must seek safety.
New Thought: Fear is a signal that means it is time to pay attention.

Old Thought: I am stuck and can’t make changes.
New Thought: Taking a break from patterns gives much needed perspective about where you are on your path.

Old Thought: I have to figure it all out before I do anything.
New Thought: Focus on the first step and align your energies with what you want, not with what you do not want.

Old Thought: Acting might create conflict.
New Thought: Conflict is part of communication. It is an opening, not a roadblock.

Old Thought: Steer away from fear and anxiety.
New Thought: Fear and Anxiety are our biggest teachers; they hold us to our truths and help us focus on what is important.

Old Thought: I can’t be my true self because I will be too vulnerable and people won’t like me.
New Thought: True connection is only possible when we reveal parts of ourselves; courage and vulnerability are attractive.

Old Thought: My efforts and energies don’t really matter.
New Thought: Every human connection requires courage which is contagious.

One of my teachers once told me that growth is painful which is why people remain in unsatisfying life situations rather than do the work to make changes. I’ve been wondering what motivates people to change when they do and why? All of this is up for me because my life is currently undergoing tremendous change. The two main shifts I am experiencing are:
1. My youngest left for college last month and I now have an “empty nest”.
2. In two days I am starting a PhD program

Here are some of the things I know to be true about change:
• We are more likely to make change from within if they are inspired by an external change like a child leaving home, a relationship ending, a death or life stage shift.
• If we consider all the challenges of making changes we can talk ourselves out of the process extremely fast.
• Breaking the new behavior pattern, habit or goal into small increments makes the process digestible. The AA adage ‘One day at a time” applies here!
• Internal change is always reflected in external change. What I mean here is if you align your thoughts with what you would like to shift in your life, the shift seems to organically emerge. Conversely, if you constantly think about what you DON’T want, the negativity is very likely to manifest.
• Change is inevitable so embrace the process and put your mind on the change you’d like in your life.

Please feel free to respond to this post with your thoughts on change in your life. I will post again soon to let you know about how the PhD changes me and my life!!

Q: What do I do if someone bullies me or is mean to me?

Carrie: First of all, you should know you are not alone. Lots of amazing women – including singer Taylor Swift, model Tyra Banks, and actress Kate Winslet, – tell us they were bullied when they were younger. That doesn’t make it OK. It just means that other super-fierce girls (like you!) have gone through this.

Bullying can take many forms but no matter what it is hurtful, confusing and embarrassing. Bullies are often victims of bullying themselves – someone treated them badly so now they are treating you badly. Regardless of the bully’s story, remember that their mean or angry behavior is not necessarily about you.

Don’t give them your power by engaging in the fight or putting the bullier down (you are too awesome to stoop to their level). If someone tries to bully you, don’t be afraid to say “What you’re doing is not cool.” Speak clearly and hold your ground. You can also change the subject or “get distracted” and walk away from the bully and the group. The most important thing to do is to focus on making other friends – friends who treat you like the great girl you are.

IMPORTANT: Don’t be afraid to share your problem with a grownup who can help you figure out how to deal with people who bully you or are mean. If you ever feel afraid, tell a teacher or parent right away.

Q: What do I do if a good friend suddenly turns on me and starts to exclude me?

Carrie: All of us want to fit in and no one likes to feel left out! But DON’T jump to conclusions. Sometimes your BFF might be acting out because of things going on at home. Also, remember that tween and teen girls are always changing and growing (that includes you!). Sometimes all of us will feel closer to one friend, and not another. That’s OK.

One way to avoid feeling left out is to have more than one BFF. Try not to become “exclusive” with any one person – there are lots of great girls to get to know. It’s cool to explore different parts of yourself, and new friends can help you do that.

If a friend does turn on you (and yes, it’s happened to all of us), take some time to feel sad about it. If you want to talk about it with that friend, let them know that you see that things between you have changed, but don’t be angry or defensive. If this person is worthy of your friendship, they will keep the door open for you. If they can’t or don’t, don’t hold a grudge or gossip about them. You are amazing and that means amazing new friends are around the corner!

Q; My mom is making me wear clothes I don’t like and is always telling me how to act. I am frustrated. What do I do?

Carrie: Even the best Moms don’t always “get it.” They get confused about how important individuality is to girls. Who can change that? You! Your Mom really wants to hear from you, so tell her how you are feeling.

Explain to her that you are trying to figure out who you are and that experimenting with your look is part of becoming the best “you” you can be. Help her to understand that no matter how you look on the outside, you will always be the same, amazing you on the inside.

Sometimes, with Moms, you have to compromise. If she is willing to let you wear what you want but refuses to allow you to get your ears pierced, hey, that’s not a bad deal. Ask her if at your next birthday you can revisit this rule. Learn to negotiate (another word for “give and take”).

As far as mom telling you how to act, it is important for you to respect her expectations when you are around her friends. But explain to her that among your OWN friends you want to be allowed to be “you.”

Remember: Trying out new ways of being is only useful if you are being true to yourself. Don’t be afraid to NOT follow the crowd.

Q: Sometimes I come home from school and don’t want to do my homework. Help!

Carrie: It’s totally normal not to want to do your homework. But here are a few things that might make it easier to get the job done. First, try to figure out which way you learn best. Do you like to study in short stints? Do you work best alone or do you need help from a parent, teacher or tutor? Are you more productive after school or after dinner?

If you don’t know what works best for you, take a week or two and experiment with a few approaches. It won’t take long for you to see how you can best get the job done. Then, start working that way! The best advice I can give is to keep at it.

THE BOTTOM LINE:

Even though school and homework may seem pointless or dull at times, remember that the homework you do now is preparing you for awesome things later. It’s so worth it!

Q: I know the right thing to do but there is always peer pressure to do the wrong thing. How can I deal with it best?

Carrie: Everyone on earth contends with peer pressure at one time or another (I’m way past my teens and I still do!). The question I ask myself when I am feeling pressured to do something that doesn’t feel right is, why is doing this important to me? Often the answer is that it feels very important to fit in and be accepted. It’s OK and totally normal to feel that way - even grownups do - but don’t let that feeling lead you to do something that is hurtful to yourself or other people.

If you feel like you have to act a certain way, say certain things, or do things that you wouldn’t usually do to fit in, sometimes the best thing to do is to find a reason to get up and leave the situation. You don’t have to make a big deal out of walking away it if you don’t want to — but don’t be pressured into doing something that feels funny or wrong.

REMEMBER:

If something or someone makes you uncomfortable, go with your feelings and walk away! Look for friends who support your decision to “say no” and are willing to stay true to themselves too. And if you are feeling really pressured to do something that you know is not right, please talk to a trusted teacher, parent or friend. They might be able to help you think through the situation.

This column can also be viewed at girl360.net

Depression and anxiety are the main reason people come to see me. We live in such a feel-good culture that when negative emotions emerge we resist them with all of our might. Sadness and dis-ease are a normal part of being alive. Depression, anxiety, disappointment and anger are emotions we all have to contend with and learn to channel or release. This is all easier said than done. The billboards and television shows smother us in images of perfect people with perfect lives. So what is wrong with you if you don’t feel perfect? Why do we all experience depression and anxiety?

Depression and anxiety are actually very different conditions but one often causes the other. Depression is a form of extreme sadness that persists for long periods of time. Depression can be accompanied by hopelessness, lethargy, exhaustion, lack of ambition or desire and inability to experience pleasure. Everyone feels depressed from time to time. Extreme emotions can be caused by external events like death of a loved one, moving, job loss, a relationship ending or financial stress among many other things. Depression can be caused by internal challenges like disconnection from childhood memories, having an incomplete personal narrative about one’s life or unresolved traumas. Rolling with the emotional undulations of life can be challenging.

Anxiety, on the other hand, comes in many packages. Acute anxiety can be felt 24/7. It is a heightened sense of worry that never lets you relax. Anxiety can be accompanied by fear. It is as though the fight-flight-freeze response that helps us survive has been turned on permanently. A person with anxiety might the world as if they are prey with a predator on their heels at all times. There are different versions of anxiety like social anxiety which can be caused by repeated discomfort and humiliation in social contexts. Sometimes these events are only perceived or felt in a subliminal way. Teens with social anxiety feel unfairly judged and picked on. Once they feel the strong emotional charge associated with this experience, they anticipate it in regular social or school situations. They might panic attacks because their physiology is accustomed to heightening when the physical or emotional triggers are present. Re-routing our brain paths and noticing triggers is the first step to addressing anxiety.

The key is not to get stuck. The Dali Lama once said in a conference on negative emotions, ‘I don’t understand why you Westerners name yourselves an emotion like depressed or anxious. We Eastern thinkers know that all of the possible emotions a human can feel will flow through us like a river. If we see it as moving water, then we don’t get attached to any one emotion. Rather we allow them all to move through us – negative and positive

Life didn’t come with an instruction book so how are we supposed to know how to get through the hard times? Counseling and creative endeavors often help us figure out what we already know. It is difficult to ask yourself the important questions that open your mind to that inner-knowing. Mental health challenges are a part of life. But knowing how to address our pain, depression, anxiety, shyness, overwhelm and anger is rarely discussed. We are told to ‘deal’ with it or ‘put on a happy face.

The first step to healing is to name the problem. The next step is to become familiar with each of the elements of the problem. Observe yourself in daily life. Keep a journal about the things that are the hardest and the things that are the easiest. Before you try to make any changes, just be in it. Once you feel like you are truly aware of the circumstances and emotions surrounding your depression or anxiety including how often it comes and goes, choose one small thing that you can change inside of yourself. You might make a list of several changes you’d like to address. But just choose one and work with that for a week or so. Changes come through awareness and small shifts in our own behavior. Here is an actual equation I work with :

Physical Activity + Reduced Airtime for Negative Emotions + Focus on Actions and Resolution = Reduced Anxiety and Depression

Anxiety and depression can be initially addressed through physical exercise or movement (walk to another room even), connecting with others (share your story with a trusted person or counselor), allowing all emotions to flow through you (and name them regularly – not just the negative ones), and focus on actions and resolutions, not problems. We only have the power to change that which is within ourselves.

Anxiety Symptoms:
Feeling of fear, apprehension and excessive anxiety energy
Physical feelings of agitation, muscle tension and symptoms of anxiety eg. heart symptoms, nausea, dissociation, diarrhoea, breathing difficulties etc
General sense of being tense and rigid
May be a perfectionist and is concerned about the results of activities (can lead to poor performance)
May fear death but not focused on suicide (Suicide thoughts come only when Depression is a secondary effect of Anxiety Disorder)

Depression Symptoms:
Feeling of emptiness, deep sadness or misery, loss of hope
Slowing down of physical movement and lack of physical energy
Physical body slumped
Loss of interest and ambition (can lead to poor performance)
Suicidal thoughts present in deep depression

Anxiety and depression are challenging emotions. If you, or someone you know is struggling with these or other challenging emotions, encourage them to get support We all need help sometimes. For some strange reason we have no problem going to a doctor for a sore throat but we resist seeking counsel for negative thoughts or other kinds of emotional pain. Release the depression and anxiety stigma and share your story with a trusted confident – either a close friend or a therapist. Honor yourself. The first step to healing is naming the problem.

By Carrie Wicks, MA, ATR
Art Therapist & Family Counselor
Petaluma CA
707-529-8371
cwicks@artspeaksconsulting.com

Carrie Wicks is an Art Therapist, Family Therapist and Sport Psychology Consultant who is certified by the National Art Therapy Credentials Board. She works with children, teens and adults to reduce stress, depression, anxiety and challenges of daily life. She is available for consultation in her office in Petaluma, CA as well as via phone or email.